yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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