I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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