You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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