but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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