just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
