i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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