I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
