I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
