Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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