I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
