I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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