So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
