she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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