how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
