I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Help. Why am I so naked?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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