I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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