omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
