Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
