the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
