I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
