You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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