I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i think my tv is drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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