I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's blow job season.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
