i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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