The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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