i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
