It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
