doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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