I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
