Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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