Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
