oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
