yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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