Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
