I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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