What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
