just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
