Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize