she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
