I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
