I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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