i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
