I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
