Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
