your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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