this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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