Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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