Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is it penis luge time yet?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
