Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
