Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
