John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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