checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
