I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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