She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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