if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize