Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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