She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
