Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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