Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
