from now on my penis is your penis
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
