Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I smell like Dick and happiness
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
