That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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