I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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