Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
